How To Become A Sleep Detective

How To Become A Sleep Detective

By: Teresa Phelps

"I only got three hours of sleep last night," my coworker told me one morning. 

"Wow! Were you up working late?" I asked.

"Nope, I was up with the baby. Looks like we won't be getting much sleep for a very long time," he responded, in a kind of sad, but proud way…

One thing I've noticed about some new parents is, although they are negatively affected by sleep deprivation, it's somehow sort of a badge of honor. Sometimes it's like a contest. I've overheard parents talking about sleep: "You slept three hours last night? Well, I only got two!"

My first daughter slept quite well after she was born and started "sleeping through the night" at four months old, with a three hour nap during the day. At the time, her father and I were rookies, but very proud that we managed to have such a great sleeper. 

Years later, as a "seasoned" parent, I thought my second daughter would sleep the same, but that didn't happen! I was so sleep deprived for the first nine months, sleeping no more than about three hours at a time. I was an emotional mess and late one night I called it quits. I got in my car and drove away with no plans of returning (of course I came back, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this blog for you!).

It was in that moment I decided how important sleep was and I would do anything to "fix" it. My husband and I hired a sleep coach and within a week we were all sleeping better. Within months, I became a certified sleep coach so I could help families with their sleep. It didn't take long to realize that sleep was only a symptom of a bigger picture. 

The bigger picture is: the majority of parents I work with have an expectation of what parenthood is supposed to be like, feel like, even look like…and reality doesn't match it. With a new baby, all the changes, and reality kicking in, parents do the best job possible, but the stress, anxiety, frustration and worry get the best of them. Sleepless nights can be a result of what they are feeling. Some parents I know haven't slept for days, weeks, onto months…and sometimes years! 

When I hear how some people try to support a parent whose child isn't sleeping well, I cringe. In an encouraging tone they may say something like, "Oh, they'll outgrow it" or "enjoy them while they are this little." As well-intended as their comments are, I think it's really no help to the parent who is suffering from sleep deprivation. 

I would say that most parent's goal is to get their baby "sleeping through the night" as soon as possible. Usually the sooner, the better. When I came across infant massage in 2016, it was another tool to share with parents and I found that the pieces fell into place. 

Let's take a step back and look at all the things a baby experiences: 

The actual birth - sometimes a smooth birth, other times it may have been traumatic

New sounds

New smells

Overtiredness 

Overstimulation

Uncomfortable sensations such as clothing, too hot or too cold temperatures, lighting

Exposure to different environments and people

Stress (emotional, physical, mental) 

Growth spurts

And much more than we may realize!

It can be exhausting and stressful being a baby! And sleep can be affected by all of these things. 

Most experts will tell you that babies from: 

Birth to 3 months can handle about 45 minutes of wake time, then it's time for a nap, with 4-5 naps a day

3 to 5 months old: 1 1/2 - 2 hours of wake time, with 4 naps a day 

6 to 8 months old: 2-3 hours of wake time, with 2-3 naps a day 

9 to 12 months old: 3-4 hours of wake time, with 2 naps a day

13 months to 2 1/2 years old: 5-6 hours of wake time, with 1 nap a day

If you find that your baby is having trouble falling asleep, in my experience, having a consistent massage may help your baby fall asleep…and stay asleep. 

What does massage do for the baby?

Relaxation

Stress reduction

Tension relief

Bonding and connecting with parents

Self-regulation (which may help baby go back to sleep when he wakes during the night or naptime)

Comfort

Reassurance

I truly believe that creating a routine around massage can be one of the best things to help your baby sleep, and sleep longer. Through massage, parents are able to better connect, communicate and learn to follow their child's cues and sleep clues…just like a detective. 

Here are five tips for better sleep:

1. Practice massage daily. Begin by giving your baby a massage when he is alert and happy. By practicing daily massage, you will learn how massage affects your baby--does it energize and invigorate or does it relax and calm? When you see how your baby responds (your baby will definitely let you know what he does and doesn't like!), you can decide when it's the best time to add massage to your bedtime routine: the beginning, middle or end.

2. Be willing to experiment. Some babies like certain strokes and aren't so fond of others. When you learn infant massage, be mindful that you don't always have to go through the whole routine. Some babies like the longer strokes, like legs and arms. Others may like the face strokes, or just massaging their stomach. When you spend time learning what helps your baby relax, you'll be more confident in helping your baby when he is fussy or stressed. 

3. Watch the clock. I'm not talking about setting strict timelines, but by using the above guidelines for naps and bedtime, you will be able to identify your baby's cues for sleep: yawning, rubbing eyes, pulling at her ears, crying, turning away, etc. Your baby may have her own unique way of showing you when she is tired, and the clock can be your clue to when your baby may need to sleep.    

4. Have a consistent bedtime routine. Try to keep the bedtime routine the same: same place, same time, same routine. It is perfectly fine to condense the routine if you are short on time. A routine can be about 20-25 minutes and look something like this: 

Massage ~ Bath ~ Feed ~ Read a Book ~ Sing a Song ~Bedtime

With a consistent bedtime routine, you will be setting the tone for a good night's sleep.   

5. Create a comfortable sleep environment. What makes a comfortable sleep environment? Cool temperature, quiet room, dark (or softly lit) space, clutter free bed, and comfortable pajamas. Some parents like to add white noise to help eliminate outside noises that may interrupt the baby's sleep.  

I've learned along the way that we all need sleep, that it's possible to get sleep, even with a newborn. As a new parent, it's not selfish to want to have longer, better sleep. Having the right amount of sleep will help you face new challenges with confidence and supports you in being a more patient, calm, and loving parent. When you learn and use infant massage, you create a world where sleep is possible--and connect, communicate and learn about your baby in the most intimate way.